hmmm, i like the small font, but kinda difficult to read I can see,
not that anyone is really reading this :]
so i realized that my friend has a tumblr and she is the one person who truly talks and writes in the way i wish to emulate (but then i'm not being myself so thats no good now is it)
she just has littel quips about things she enjoys, what shes found online that is interesting, or funny things/ conversations that occured in school that day.
i don't think i can really do that though, i have to explain something in great detail i guess, i dunno.
man i'm kinda depressed, i think its just cause i'm tired? even though it... haha just had an earthquake, it was kinda big, i actually got under the table :]
thats the way to get the adrenaline going
so only 8:40
not exatly tired anymore,
seriously it says 2 minutes, but i think in the span of 30 sec at least 20 people posted earthquake as their status.
this gonna be the big talk at school tommarrow, everyone feels the need to relive there experience during the 10-15 seconds, because it makes you feel special,
i think its because you've just experienced something that was news so its like your news quality.
i mean this is gonna be on the news for like the rest of the night,
it was wierd cause this was the first earthquake i actually remember.
we had one over the summer but i was on a tour of UCLA and didn't feel it at all. but of course i still have a story to tell. it was ironic because apparently when it occured, the tour guide was telling us how the buildings were being retrofitted and they were almost done, so they were all safe during earthquakes, becuase their was a bunch of people from out of state.
also my borther was in Hawaii with his friends families and he saw on the news about the earthquake so he wsa trying to call my mom but hershe couldn't hear her phone so she wasn't picking up and my brother started freaking out, because the news makes it this huge deal.
but yeah, we came home and a couple things were knocked over but everyone said it was pretty big.
but see i didn't even feel it and I had a story to tell.
but this one, was pretty big as i had enough time to get up and get under the table. me and my brother just kinda looked at each other, we got up and i wasn't sure really what to do, because you just dont know when its gonna stop, but we crawled under out table, and covered our heads liked we learned in school :] honestly though i cant imagine having an earthquake in school, i mean choas, you cant really fit under your desk, would the teacher have to tell you eofre you'd get under? and you'd feel like a retard when its over, except if its a really serious one, that would be pretty fucking scary.
but no one could settle down for probably the rest class. what if we were all outside? i mean i guess outside is better but if it was big i'd be pretty freaked out.
oh well, that just made life a little more interesting, definately made my day, espically seeing my brothers face.
man, makes me love california
i dunno i was gonna talk about how'd i jsut saw breakfast at tiffany's for the first time, usually i never really talk about what i intended to start talking about and i just felt i needed some form of release, but kinda over that right now, oh well maybe later
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
the limit does not exist!
soooo in precalc today we started going over limits, since apparently that is all calculus is about.
and of course whenever limits was mentioned by anyone, you were required to quote Mean Girls
of course that was probably the only thing learned today.
god AP's make school pointless,
Chinese= FINALLY watch Mulan (that was the only plus)
obviously nothing in history, as the brutal uphill struggle peaked on Friday, although we did find out we will be having quizzes on world history, for the few who have chosen to take the SAT II, me not being one of them.
and english stil nothing.
yes today was very painful.
especially just the feeling of it being over, even though i have APES tmrw.
i mean its something that you've been dreading yet wanting to come since basically school started, so now what?
life still goes on, and you almost feel like you regret it.
you kind of realized you liked the adraniline, the meaningness in life.
the ability to have a full proof excuse for everything "I'm studying," and the connecting you have with your peers as they all are expreienceing this too.
beofre we went into where we were taking our test, the head haunco lady got us all together and talked to us, and once she was done, Riley and Nic came up and were like everyone bring it together, Nic explained what was about to occur, and he yelled "What are we gonna do?" and we all screeched back "GET INTENSE!" of couuse they thought it was hilarious becuase they usd it for it's punny quality of " GET IN TENTS" and i'll admit it was a stupid thing to yell, but the adranaline and the prep that you've been putting in for what is about to transpire, it felt exactly like the big game of the year, and you just wanted some form of outlet.
what i loved was not only are we nerdy enough to come up with this, but that our PACE class is so unfied that we al would do it, because we were all on the same page in one way or another.
we have a bond that I really dont think any other group of high schoolers have, in that in one way or another we all accept each other.
we donot have to like each other, and we definately dont try and conform to each other (we sure as hell dont look alike) but somehow we all just get IT.
I will admit that we aren't all geniuses, but the fact that each and every one of us wasn't too shallow to do this cheer, and the majority probably didnt even feel nerdy, shows that we are all smarter then your typical high school kid.
& in some ways I'm happy, because we live more in the real world than other high schoolers, and in some ways I'm sad, because I know that the real world isn't as perfect as we wish it was, and sometimes it almost is just like high school.
But I love that we all accept each other for who we are, and although we all view the world differently, and we're all hormonal and ansty ( we are still teenagers), we all have some form of love for each other, just because we're human beings.
& thats something that the world needs to be more like, and its something that I think alot of us who are in PACE forget about, and don't really see that as a benefit to being in PACE, and all we think is that school = life, and that our worth is judged on the grade we get, the scores we achieve and the colleges that think were worthy enough to pay them thousands of dollars, of course the good grades and test scores could eliminate the fee but thats not the point.
And the point isn't that school isn't important, its the knowledge that is. & alot of it is gained from the classes, and the better colleges might well give you more knowledge than you ever thought possible, but what the most valuable knowledge we gain from PACE is learning to love thy neighbor and love thy self. Im not religous by any means, but even the golden rule " treat others the way you wished to be treated," is something they don't teach in high school.
I think in Mean Girls, the "resolution" is unrealistic in many high schools (although the drama isn't) but the dynamic at the very end of the movie is exactly what poly PACE is like, and that is the sole reason, above all other reasons, why I love it, and why in some ways, I don't ever want to leave.
and of course whenever limits was mentioned by anyone, you were required to quote Mean Girls
of course that was probably the only thing learned today.
god AP's make school pointless,
Chinese= FINALLY watch Mulan (that was the only plus)
obviously nothing in history, as the brutal uphill struggle peaked on Friday, although we did find out we will be having quizzes on world history, for the few who have chosen to take the SAT II, me not being one of them.
and english stil nothing.
yes today was very painful.
especially just the feeling of it being over, even though i have APES tmrw.
i mean its something that you've been dreading yet wanting to come since basically school started, so now what?
life still goes on, and you almost feel like you regret it.
you kind of realized you liked the adraniline, the meaningness in life.
the ability to have a full proof excuse for everything "I'm studying," and the connecting you have with your peers as they all are expreienceing this too.
beofre we went into where we were taking our test, the head haunco lady got us all together and talked to us, and once she was done, Riley and Nic came up and were like everyone bring it together, Nic explained what was about to occur, and he yelled "What are we gonna do?" and we all screeched back "GET INTENSE!" of couuse they thought it was hilarious becuase they usd it for it's punny quality of " GET IN TENTS" and i'll admit it was a stupid thing to yell, but the adranaline and the prep that you've been putting in for what is about to transpire, it felt exactly like the big game of the year, and you just wanted some form of outlet.
what i loved was not only are we nerdy enough to come up with this, but that our PACE class is so unfied that we al would do it, because we were all on the same page in one way or another.
we have a bond that I really dont think any other group of high schoolers have, in that in one way or another we all accept each other.
we donot have to like each other, and we definately dont try and conform to each other (we sure as hell dont look alike) but somehow we all just get IT.
I will admit that we aren't all geniuses, but the fact that each and every one of us wasn't too shallow to do this cheer, and the majority probably didnt even feel nerdy, shows that we are all smarter then your typical high school kid.
& in some ways I'm happy, because we live more in the real world than other high schoolers, and in some ways I'm sad, because I know that the real world isn't as perfect as we wish it was, and sometimes it almost is just like high school.
But I love that we all accept each other for who we are, and although we all view the world differently, and we're all hormonal and ansty ( we are still teenagers), we all have some form of love for each other, just because we're human beings.
& thats something that the world needs to be more like, and its something that I think alot of us who are in PACE forget about, and don't really see that as a benefit to being in PACE, and all we think is that school = life, and that our worth is judged on the grade we get, the scores we achieve and the colleges that think were worthy enough to pay them thousands of dollars, of course the good grades and test scores could eliminate the fee but thats not the point.
And the point isn't that school isn't important, its the knowledge that is. & alot of it is gained from the classes, and the better colleges might well give you more knowledge than you ever thought possible, but what the most valuable knowledge we gain from PACE is learning to love thy neighbor and love thy self. Im not religous by any means, but even the golden rule " treat others the way you wished to be treated," is something they don't teach in high school.
I think in Mean Girls, the "resolution" is unrealistic in many high schools (although the drama isn't) but the dynamic at the very end of the movie is exactly what poly PACE is like, and that is the sole reason, above all other reasons, why I love it, and why in some ways, I don't ever want to leave.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
"we hoppin' out like the mystery machine"
asher roth is the shit.
I dont wanna sound like a total white kid that sounds like a loser, but I dont pretend to like ghetto rap if I don't.
I like what I like.
so I'm not gonna act like I know what I'm talking about, but I have to admit he has some skills. & I don't think Akon and Jay Z can be wrong.
I saw him at Bamboozle, and I probably heard I Love College like a month before I saw him, but I loved him.
he had very good stage presence, hes really adorable, his friend that raps with him (I wish I knew his name) is also really adorable and he has a big black drummer. I love when people have big black drummers.
or girl drummers.
I have a thing for drummers in general. :]
so yah I'd have to say I love blunt cruisin', which he performed.
and then As I Em, which is talking about how he respects eminem and he was an inspiration, but dont just compare him to eminem cause they're both white, and dont discredit him just cause he's white.
Also some more hilarious ones are Bad Day, and Lion's Roar.
I really like his album cause its not like I Love College 12 times.
he has alot of different beats, and lot of different people singing on different tracks, and he mixes it up between being funny and serious, with songs like fallin' which I could totally see just listening to as your ridin down PCH with the top down. & his dream, which talks about his father.
I mean its no slim shady, cleaning out my closet or lose yourself, but its sweet.
I predict that obviously LArk on My Go Kart is the next hit, but Be By Myself ft. Ceelo (whose the guy in Gnarls Barkley) and She Don't Wanna Man, which is more on the hip hop almost pop side, are gonna the hot new songs everyones listening to.
but I have to admit I would not have been so keen to get the album if I hadn't seen him at bamboozle.
speaking of Bamboozle, I'm a huge Fall Out Boy fan. & I used to be kind of ashamed of it, because, for some reason, the rock gods who determine what is "cool" music, have decided that these "emo" boys will never be considered that "cool"
but whatever, I really like them, and if you met me, I'm not the stereotypical fan of theirs. But if you go there concerts, which I've been to 4 now? yah so if you go there isn't as many stereotypical kids as you think. & they haven't gotten as many fans just because they're fan base is huge (even though thats true) its cause they actually are legitimately good.
So at first I just genuinely liked there tunes, they were my first concert. but now I really like what they stand for. I mean I've obviously never met them, well I did, but the meet and greet was like take a picture with them (although Patrick stump complimented me on my shoes, which were silver converse hi-tops that I had gotten for like $5 at a resale store!) But yah they just seem like really nice guys, and they're really "love" their fans, and understand they wouldn't be anywhere without them.
so I was trying to say that at bamboozle we were walking back to the main stage, and there were golf carts coming up behind us and like honking, and my brother was jokingly like oh look i bet its fall out boy. and obviously it was them. so as they pull up right next to us I had to aknowledge that we apriciate them, and we were there to see them mainly. so I was like "we love you! whoooo, whooo" cause I could particularly yell " hey I've seen you like four times, and I was at the troubadour show in the front row, and I love what you guys do!" or something along the lines of that.
so after I felt like a total retard but check this out:
Fall Out Boy - US Tour Update 1 from clandestine on Vimeo.
so yah i'm in it with my friends at like 6:30 about? I was wearing a vest and a messenger-like bag, and black jeans.
that was actually a really fun concert that I had never heard of until this year, and I really enjoyed it.
It was set up really well, It was sponsored by Wonka so they were giving out free candy like crazy.
They weather was a bit hot, but nothing like warped tour of Coachella I imagine.
I plan on trying to go next year, if the bands are just as good.
(hopefully my friends and I get to go to Coachella too!)
so yah need to get studying. yup Saturday and I'm studying but I have a test in every class on monday. And its all my hard classes (of course)
and on Tuesday I have a final in APES.
& of course AP's are in 2 weeks!
yay! of course so much relief when those are over.
man I guess its about 30 more school days left or something.
wow.
I dont wanna sound like a total white kid that sounds like a loser, but I dont pretend to like ghetto rap if I don't.
I like what I like.
so I'm not gonna act like I know what I'm talking about, but I have to admit he has some skills. & I don't think Akon and Jay Z can be wrong.
I saw him at Bamboozle, and I probably heard I Love College like a month before I saw him, but I loved him.
he had very good stage presence, hes really adorable, his friend that raps with him (I wish I knew his name) is also really adorable and he has a big black drummer. I love when people have big black drummers.
or girl drummers.
I have a thing for drummers in general. :]
so yah I'd have to say I love blunt cruisin', which he performed.
and then As I Em, which is talking about how he respects eminem and he was an inspiration, but dont just compare him to eminem cause they're both white, and dont discredit him just cause he's white.
Also some more hilarious ones are Bad Day, and Lion's Roar.
I really like his album cause its not like I Love College 12 times.
he has alot of different beats, and lot of different people singing on different tracks, and he mixes it up between being funny and serious, with songs like fallin' which I could totally see just listening to as your ridin down PCH with the top down. & his dream, which talks about his father.
I mean its no slim shady, cleaning out my closet or lose yourself, but its sweet.
I predict that obviously LArk on My Go Kart is the next hit, but Be By Myself ft. Ceelo (whose the guy in Gnarls Barkley) and She Don't Wanna Man, which is more on the hip hop almost pop side, are gonna the hot new songs everyones listening to.
but I have to admit I would not have been so keen to get the album if I hadn't seen him at bamboozle.
speaking of Bamboozle, I'm a huge Fall Out Boy fan. & I used to be kind of ashamed of it, because, for some reason, the rock gods who determine what is "cool" music, have decided that these "emo" boys will never be considered that "cool"
but whatever, I really like them, and if you met me, I'm not the stereotypical fan of theirs. But if you go there concerts, which I've been to 4 now? yah so if you go there isn't as many stereotypical kids as you think. & they haven't gotten as many fans just because they're fan base is huge (even though thats true) its cause they actually are legitimately good.
So at first I just genuinely liked there tunes, they were my first concert. but now I really like what they stand for. I mean I've obviously never met them, well I did, but the meet and greet was like take a picture with them (although Patrick stump complimented me on my shoes, which were silver converse hi-tops that I had gotten for like $5 at a resale store!) But yah they just seem like really nice guys, and they're really "love" their fans, and understand they wouldn't be anywhere without them.
so I was trying to say that at bamboozle we were walking back to the main stage, and there were golf carts coming up behind us and like honking, and my brother was jokingly like oh look i bet its fall out boy. and obviously it was them. so as they pull up right next to us I had to aknowledge that we apriciate them, and we were there to see them mainly. so I was like "we love you! whoooo, whooo" cause I could particularly yell " hey I've seen you like four times, and I was at the troubadour show in the front row, and I love what you guys do!" or something along the lines of that.
so after I felt like a total retard but check this out:
Fall Out Boy - US Tour Update 1 from clandestine on Vimeo.
so yah i'm in it with my friends at like 6:30 about? I was wearing a vest and a messenger-like bag, and black jeans.
that was actually a really fun concert that I had never heard of until this year, and I really enjoyed it.
It was set up really well, It was sponsored by Wonka so they were giving out free candy like crazy.
They weather was a bit hot, but nothing like warped tour of Coachella I imagine.
I plan on trying to go next year, if the bands are just as good.
(hopefully my friends and I get to go to Coachella too!)
so yah need to get studying. yup Saturday and I'm studying but I have a test in every class on monday. And its all my hard classes (of course)
and on Tuesday I have a final in APES.
& of course AP's are in 2 weeks!
yay! of course so much relief when those are over.
man I guess its about 30 more school days left or something.
wow.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
were the smart kids
this is what we do at AP review.pssssssh, AP Euro? yah right.
haha so ready for summer. apparently 34 school days.
yesssss.
okay so should I get back to my story?
I think yes.
so I'm not sure where I was. I had looked up and realized that i had ten minutes to get ready and get to practice.
I kinda like this.
I wonder if anyones gonna read this.
doubt it. hence why im kinda writing alot
reflections
so. reflecting on whats been going on so far.
weather= rediculous. moday i guess was 104? hmm and now its like 65. boo
AP's right around the corner, bleh
spring break was college visits this year.
University of Chicago and UW- Madison
the former is grandma's allumni and the later my dads
I'm way into looking at colleges, my dads never pushed me to go to UW and i didnt even know my grandma had gone to Chicago until after I went to the college visit at my school
loved them both each in there own ways
love the midwest though. the people there are just different then what I'm used to.
much nicer and laid back.
in Southern Cali their is a sense of superficially. I think its just that everyone falls into a stereotype here and its really had to be yourself. I mean just being unique is a stereotype. Maybe its just the high school thing but i've noticed that people here are so into themselves. I mean I meet nice people and I have some good friends, but its alot harder to meet genuinely nice random strangers. They could be nice people but generally stangers here are just that, strangers.
in the midwest especially Wisconsin your all just like neighbors. Its like you have the connection that your all living in Wisconsin.
So Chicago was very Hogwarts like, our tour guide was even from Great Britain, and it was very classic and almost dreamlike. Definately more European. But I love their system. Their uncomon appilication and just their true passion for learning, not just school
UW i knew I would like but I for some reason didn't want to.
Its stupid but its because its a school that I feel like I know I can get into. It sounds stuck up, but just being from CA alone gives my alot of points.
So I realized yesterday that things just happen during spring break. Or right around this time at least. I mean I started my period over spring break in 6th grade. I think thats a freaking sign from above.
Then in 8th grade I went on a trip to Florida with my school, I got my first serious boyfriend ( more on that later) and my grandma passed away.
Last year I had just gotten a different boyfriend.... cant really remember much of what I did, except going to Dana Point.
but yah, As i was saying yesterday, somethings going to happen soon.
& i'll let you know what I'm hoping for.
So this boyfriend from middle school. I feel retarded saying this, because we only dated for 9 months but I dunno, I would say he's my first love. & god does that sound cheesy.
So he was my first kiss, and that summer was definately my best summer so far. ( & last summer i went to Europe with friends)
I always saw the realtionship as so much longer cause that summer we saw each other at least every other day, but mainly every day. When he left for a week on vacation, I seriously think my mom was gonna shoot me just from how much I talked about him.
but of course we were going to diferent high schools, which is probably why that summer was so amazing.
so school started and i was just really unhappy with my life. I wished I was going to his high school, it was were alot of my best firends at the time had gone. I had choosen to go to the other high school because of this special smart kid program at it called PACE. (I dont know how much information I should really give out, but I'm sure I will refer to PACE in the future)
So We would go to each others football games together and i was happy to be with him but i was miserable. I was isolated at his school because I didn't go there. & I was in a way isolated at mine because I wasn't making friends.
my time was dedicated to playing volleyball on the school team or being with him.
my only new friends I made were on the volleyball team.
by christmas time I knew it wasn't working out but I didn't really know why. It was obviously nothing he was doing, maybe its what he wasn't doing? I dunno, but end of January I was done. Being the total chicken that I am, I did it over text message. Of course like the next week I was making new friends and I had a new bf (whose now like my best friend) but I dunno. Freshman year is just so awkward. Bleh I hated it. So I kinda saw him here and there. It was definately awkard a bunch of times. His mom and my mom are still really good friends so thats how I like found out stuff about him. So i dont know when it stopped being wierd. I would say this summer I guess, but everytime I would see him, after I would just think about how i wished we hung out more and how much i missed him. I had other boyfriends, and they were very different then him. He's the quiet type I guess you could say. Hes funny though and gets along with everyone. That was one thing I really loved about him. Like i was proud that he was my boyfriend cause he was such a nice guy and everybody loved him. So the other guys I dated, were a bit louder, more talkative, just different. I learned how to communicate in a relationship alot better. So if you haven't figured it out already, I don't think I ever really got over him. I would always think about him, after I got out of a relationship and I was always comparing them to him. I thought that was a common thing, but it was only him I compared them to, never to each other.
So recently I hung out with him again after not seeing him in a long time, and it was just somehow different. I mean I dunno if this is right but I just could feel that spark. Like I felt like he was still my boyfriend. Like I had to stop myself a couple times from putting my arm around him or touching him because he wasnt my boyfriend. and yes I do that with other guys all the time but with him its different. I think his flaw (and his only one) is that hes really bad at showing his emotions. Like I really dont know how he feels, and to him like every touch has a meaning.
So now we've been hanging out a bit more and I just forgot how easy it was to talk to him. & how comfertable I felt even when we werent talking.
I just really don't know what to do now.
I feel like I just need to say something but I dont know how or what.
weather= rediculous. moday i guess was 104? hmm and now its like 65. boo
AP's right around the corner, bleh
spring break was college visits this year.
University of Chicago and UW- Madison
the former is grandma's allumni and the later my dads
I'm way into looking at colleges, my dads never pushed me to go to UW and i didnt even know my grandma had gone to Chicago until after I went to the college visit at my school
loved them both each in there own ways
love the midwest though. the people there are just different then what I'm used to.
much nicer and laid back.
in Southern Cali their is a sense of superficially. I think its just that everyone falls into a stereotype here and its really had to be yourself. I mean just being unique is a stereotype. Maybe its just the high school thing but i've noticed that people here are so into themselves. I mean I meet nice people and I have some good friends, but its alot harder to meet genuinely nice random strangers. They could be nice people but generally stangers here are just that, strangers.
in the midwest especially Wisconsin your all just like neighbors. Its like you have the connection that your all living in Wisconsin.
So Chicago was very Hogwarts like, our tour guide was even from Great Britain, and it was very classic and almost dreamlike. Definately more European. But I love their system. Their uncomon appilication and just their true passion for learning, not just school
UW i knew I would like but I for some reason didn't want to.
Its stupid but its because its a school that I feel like I know I can get into. It sounds stuck up, but just being from CA alone gives my alot of points.
So I realized yesterday that things just happen during spring break. Or right around this time at least. I mean I started my period over spring break in 6th grade. I think thats a freaking sign from above.
Then in 8th grade I went on a trip to Florida with my school, I got my first serious boyfriend ( more on that later) and my grandma passed away.
Last year I had just gotten a different boyfriend.... cant really remember much of what I did, except going to Dana Point.
but yah, As i was saying yesterday, somethings going to happen soon.
& i'll let you know what I'm hoping for.
So this boyfriend from middle school. I feel retarded saying this, because we only dated for 9 months but I dunno, I would say he's my first love. & god does that sound cheesy.
So he was my first kiss, and that summer was definately my best summer so far. ( & last summer i went to Europe with friends)
I always saw the realtionship as so much longer cause that summer we saw each other at least every other day, but mainly every day. When he left for a week on vacation, I seriously think my mom was gonna shoot me just from how much I talked about him.
but of course we were going to diferent high schools, which is probably why that summer was so amazing.
so school started and i was just really unhappy with my life. I wished I was going to his high school, it was were alot of my best firends at the time had gone. I had choosen to go to the other high school because of this special smart kid program at it called PACE. (I dont know how much information I should really give out, but I'm sure I will refer to PACE in the future)
So We would go to each others football games together and i was happy to be with him but i was miserable. I was isolated at his school because I didn't go there. & I was in a way isolated at mine because I wasn't making friends.
my time was dedicated to playing volleyball on the school team or being with him.
my only new friends I made were on the volleyball team.
by christmas time I knew it wasn't working out but I didn't really know why. It was obviously nothing he was doing, maybe its what he wasn't doing? I dunno, but end of January I was done. Being the total chicken that I am, I did it over text message. Of course like the next week I was making new friends and I had a new bf (whose now like my best friend) but I dunno. Freshman year is just so awkward. Bleh I hated it. So I kinda saw him here and there. It was definately awkard a bunch of times. His mom and my mom are still really good friends so thats how I like found out stuff about him. So i dont know when it stopped being wierd. I would say this summer I guess, but everytime I would see him, after I would just think about how i wished we hung out more and how much i missed him. I had other boyfriends, and they were very different then him. He's the quiet type I guess you could say. Hes funny though and gets along with everyone. That was one thing I really loved about him. Like i was proud that he was my boyfriend cause he was such a nice guy and everybody loved him. So the other guys I dated, were a bit louder, more talkative, just different. I learned how to communicate in a relationship alot better. So if you haven't figured it out already, I don't think I ever really got over him. I would always think about him, after I got out of a relationship and I was always comparing them to him. I thought that was a common thing, but it was only him I compared them to, never to each other.
So recently I hung out with him again after not seeing him in a long time, and it was just somehow different. I mean I dunno if this is right but I just could feel that spark. Like I felt like he was still my boyfriend. Like I had to stop myself a couple times from putting my arm around him or touching him because he wasnt my boyfriend. and yes I do that with other guys all the time but with him its different. I think his flaw (and his only one) is that hes really bad at showing his emotions. Like I really dont know how he feels, and to him like every touch has a meaning.
So now we've been hanging out a bit more and I just forgot how easy it was to talk to him. & how comfertable I felt even when we werent talking.
I just really don't know what to do now.
I feel like I just need to say something but I dont know how or what.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
hmm.. i think i should use this more. It' supposed to be like a diary right?
well i originally got this cause i'm now officially addicted to fashion blogs, and felt i just needed one for some reason. Seeing so many people contributing things they feel some emotion about made me want to start one. cause its something you cant really share with your friends conveniently (except through blog)
the thing about doing a fashion-esque blog is that i dont have all those fancy cameras, and I'm a perfectionist in that i want it to look as good as it can possibly be. & me taking pictures of myself in the mirror with crappy resolution does not sound like something I would really want to read, let alone get depressed that no one really cares.
so i chose a random name, which was surprisingly difficult since whenever you come up with a brilliant one, the URL is already taken by some random person who hasn't posted since 2004 and you need your URL to directly correspond to your name for easy access by your "fans."
yeah yeah, I think about things way to much but I think I like Resolution. It means a lot of things. I got the idea from the song by Jack's Mannequin which I found myself really liking and it slowly creeping up higher on the play count list in iTunes and it was kinda surprising to me.
I can't say I relate really well to that song, it's definitely not the most catchiest song i've heard (and I'm all about catchy, that is my favorite description about songs) although it must be catchy in some way if I listen to it so much. I just really like Jack's Mann and I actually got interested in it because Stephanie Meyer posted how she wrote the like thingy that is like a storyboard for music videos. As you can see I'm fond of music and of all the terms that we learn in chorus I always remember resolution cause thats what were always working toward.
you push forward to the resolution and you slow down once you get there so that you can truly embrace it.
As I find in any form of writting, you can anylaze your thinking a bit better. Like they say that the best advice is the kind you give others, or something like that. But when you put into words your feelings iit kind of makes them clearer.
I just feel like Im at a point were I cant always talk about my feelings to the people around me. And diaries just never worked out. I think cause I write actually really slow and thats probably because I suck at spelling. All ADD kids and bad spellers thank the lord for the invention of spell check.
I sat down to do this originally because I just had to get out how wierd I feel right now, but my bringing up the resolution thing kind of shed some light (i think) on how I'm feeling. NOt that im obseesed with them or anything but I think I really crave Resolutions. I do know i fear the unkown, but who doesn't? But I think I really hate when alot of things in my life are just up in the air and theres nothing I can really do. Cause then its all I think about. And I think that maybe I should be doing something. And all the thinking prevents me from actually doing something which puts even more things I feel I have to worry about.
Like just now my mom walked in my room and asked me if I was doing homework. Obviously I wasn't but should I be? should I stop pondering about my life or do I truly need this release right now. (I think I need it)
& in like 15 minutes I have to go work out and I haven't worked out in 2 weeks. And i usually work out Mon-Fri two hours a day.
so this is gonna be fun
gah everyone sayd high school isn't really the happiest times in your life which makes me which i could just end it as soon a s possible, but I really enjoy the innoccence of it if that makes sense. It not that I dont like responsibilities but I dont like making mistakes. ANd thats horrible and I make a lot more than you would think, but I'm afraid of the point where its gonna be like "you can't still be making mistakes, why haven't you learned, blah blah blah"
I actually really hate feeling dumb, I guess because I get really embarrassed and I dwell on embarrassing moments that have happened years and years ago. Just awkward situations that im sure the other people involved have forgotten all about but I always feel they'll remember. And I feel like I limit myself alot because of that fear. & I would be totally fine if I was alot better at dealing with the situations or just like laughing them off, I have friends who do that quite well, but I just not one of those people. & I really don't know what to do. I say maybe I should just approach awkward situations as much as possible so I can learn what I can do to make them not awkward. I realize that a large number of people probably find things awkward and they just keep it all internal or they don't think twice about it. Or I'm sure people think things are awkward but it doesn't come off that way at all. (by the way I just had to go back and spell check every single awkward because the way it supposed to be spelled doesn't make sense to me.
Well that's all at the moment because I have to get ready. When I thought about doing this I told myself that I was gonna try and create this witty and humorous voice and it would be great practice to hone my writing skills and work on the voice that I had lost thanks to the public school system and there ideals on conformity. I think now what I need to work on is working on simplifying my speech and trying to write in a more mature way. With E.B White's Elements of Style at my side, hopefully I will be writing Chuck Klosterman-like anecdotes about my life and pop culture. & when I become a famous writter, I will thank it all to Steve Jobs, for the creation of the computer (the old school eMac that oddly enough contains my life on it) which gave us spell check and the world of blogs.
that is not all.
I will try, but sadly fail to continue this wonderful transcription of my thoughts when I return.
otherwise I would say "that is all"
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