its all about the little things

oh so i have read the chicago supplemental essay questions
i believed they were released on the first and i have been avoiding it this entire time.
i have no idea why as the website is just so gosh darn cheery
and i have sort of talked myself out of chicago so it is obviously not a huge stress builder.

and yet i think i parallel my ability to answer the questions with my self worth
yes I'm being a bit dramatic but i think, without even knowing these questions existed, these are the very ones that I have been fearing because there is absolutely no way to prepare except by living life i guess.
being able to convey your passions as best you can
but how can you?
passion cant be written down on to paper. you cant just string together well structured sentences to say "here. this is me. this is what defines me"
i will admit that some people do a stellar job at attempting to regurgitating their passion onto paper, but you cant see it in their face, in their eyes.
like a medal or even a finished project, you never see the pain and sweat and tears that go into that object. & the only person that can see all that in the object, is the person who earned it.

so yes, im scared shitless to apply to college. I know everyone has to do it. and sometimes i think why is this really that big of a deal, because what four years of your life? but that gonna be YOUR life. not your parents life, not your teachers life, your own life. all on your own.
so yeah, this essay is kinda the most important essay your gonna write in your life. so why is it so fucking difficult for me?
why do i not see that i can do this? because i want to be original, and individual.
and im afraid taht my flaws will shine through like a lightbulb.
the one thing that keeps popping into my head is a scene in Bruno, when the guy is basically making all these stereotypes about women and brings up how they never get to the point.
thats is so completely me. it even bugs the shit out of me.
what i love is like how a simpsons episode goes, or how chuck klosterman tells his stories.
you start with something random and it somehow leads to something else thats totally different, but then you can tie that first thing back in.
like my limit does not exist post. thats one of my favorites, i randomly start talking about mean girls and math class, then i talk about how much i love pace and how it prepares you for life. and then i end with how its just like in the end of mean girls when there arent anymore cliques.
that was perfect.
i wish i could write like chuck klosterman. I wish that i didn't wish i wrote like someone. I wish i was that good of a writer.
and i hate that good writing is like certain styles of writing. I wish i could be like hemmingway and have my own unique style completely identifiable to me.
but im not unqiue. because of the imense global population increase, its a bit difficult to be completely unique. there is simply too many of us.
but yet we all do differ slighty, sans identical twins and clones, with a one of a kind genetic makeup.
how can someone not find that fasinating.
i mean science is truly everything. everyone likes science even if they arent a nerd because science is everything.
writers, they observe people, their personalities, their adaptions to situations, their emotions.
musicians, physics, they way instruments work. the way you produce sound, your hearing, rythym, sound waves.
everyone uses the scientific process to do what they do.
we as humans are curious and we want stuff explained.
we want to know, we want to learn, we want to experience.
its called living.

& i wish it wasn't so difficult to be good at something you so desperately wish you were good at.