reflections

so. reflecting on whats been going on so far.
weather= rediculous. moday i guess was 104? hmm and now its like 65. boo
AP's right around the corner, bleh
spring break was college visits this year.
University of Chicago and UW- Madison
the former is grandma's allumni and the later my dads
I'm way into looking at colleges, my dads never pushed me to go to UW and i didnt even know my grandma had gone to Chicago until after I went to the college visit at my school
loved them both each in there own ways
love the midwest though. the people there are just different then what I'm used to.
much nicer and laid back.
in Southern Cali their is a sense of superficially. I think its just that everyone falls into a stereotype here and its really had to be yourself. I mean just being unique is a stereotype. Maybe its just the high school thing but i've noticed that people here are so into themselves. I mean I meet nice people and I have some good friends, but its alot harder to meet genuinely nice random strangers. They could be nice people but generally stangers here are just that, strangers.
in the midwest especially Wisconsin your all just like neighbors. Its like you have the connection that your all living in Wisconsin.
So Chicago was very Hogwarts like, our tour guide was even from Great Britain, and it was very classic and almost dreamlike. Definately more European. But I love their system. Their uncomon appilication and just their true passion for learning, not just school
UW i knew I would like but I for some reason didn't want to.
Its stupid but its because its a school that I feel like I know I can get into. It sounds stuck up, but just being from CA alone gives my alot of points.
So I realized yesterday that things just happen during spring break. Or right around this time at least. I mean I started my period over spring break in 6th grade. I think thats a freaking sign from above.
Then in 8th grade I went on a trip to Florida with my school, I got my first serious boyfriend ( more on that later) and my grandma passed away.
Last year I had just gotten a different boyfriend.... cant really remember much of what I did, except going to Dana Point.
but yah, As i was saying yesterday, somethings going to happen soon.
& i'll let you know what I'm hoping for.
So this boyfriend from middle school. I feel retarded saying this, because we only dated for 9 months but I dunno, I would say he's my first love. & god does that sound cheesy.
So he was my first kiss, and that summer was definately my best summer so far. ( & last summer i went to Europe with friends)
I always saw the realtionship as so much longer cause that summer we saw each other at least every other day, but mainly every day. When he left for a week on vacation, I seriously think my mom was gonna shoot me just from how much I talked about him.
but of course we were going to diferent high schools, which is probably why that summer was so amazing.
so school started and i was just really unhappy with my life. I wished I was going to his high school, it was were alot of my best firends at the time had gone. I had choosen to go to the other high school because of this special smart kid program at it called PACE. (I dont know how much information I should really give out, but I'm sure I will refer to PACE in the future)
So We would go to each others football games together and i was happy to be with him but i was miserable. I was isolated at his school because I didn't go there. & I was in a way isolated at mine because I wasn't making friends.
my time was dedicated to playing volleyball on the school team or being with him.
my only new friends I made were on the volleyball team.
by christmas time I knew it wasn't working out but I didn't really know why. It was obviously nothing he was doing, maybe its what he wasn't doing? I dunno, but end of January I was done. Being the total chicken that I am, I did it over text message. Of course like the next week I was making new friends and I had a new bf (whose now like my best friend) but I dunno. Freshman year is just so awkward. Bleh I hated it. So I kinda saw him here and there. It was definately awkard a bunch of times. His mom and my mom are still really good friends so thats how I like found out stuff about him. So i dont know when it stopped being wierd. I would say this summer I guess, but everytime I would see him, after I would just think about how i wished we hung out more and how much i missed him. I had other boyfriends, and they were very different then him. He's the quiet type I guess you could say. Hes funny though and gets along with everyone. That was one thing I really loved about him. Like i was proud that he was my boyfriend cause he was such a nice guy and everybody loved him. So the other guys I dated, were a bit louder, more talkative, just different. I learned how to communicate in a relationship alot better. So if you haven't figured it out already, I don't think I ever really got over him. I would always think about him, after I got out of a relationship and I was always comparing them to him. I thought that was a common thing, but it was only him I compared them to, never to each other.
So recently I hung out with him again after not seeing him in a long time, and it was just somehow different. I mean I dunno if this is right but I just could feel that spark. Like I felt like he was still my boyfriend. Like I had to stop myself a couple times from putting my arm around him or touching him because he wasnt my boyfriend. and yes I do that with other guys all the time but with him its different. I think his flaw (and his only one) is that hes really bad at showing his emotions. Like I really dont know how he feels, and to him like every touch has a meaning.
So now we've been hanging out a bit more and I just forgot how easy it was to talk to him. & how comfertable I felt even when we werent talking.
I just really don't know what to do now.
I feel like I just need to say something but I dont know how or what.